It’s not just you, it’s all of you. I know I’m not perfect but I gave each and every one of you my all. In fact, I gave it the best of me. Love, care, support, advice, friendship, company, time, effort, hardwork; everything was worthwhile. I mean it was all done by choice, my choice of course. I could have said “no”, but anyone who really knows me should know that I’m not one to back down. If there’s anything I could do to help, you know I’m there. I don’t give up easily either. I always put my love ones before me no matter what. Maybe that’s a good and bad thing huh? It depends..I mean they said too much of anything is bad. I just didn’t think that love and care wouldn’t be an exception to that.

If you ask me though, I didn’t regret any of it. Yes it did hurt alot. All the lies and hidden secrets, the thought of confusion and incompletion that would roam my mind into insanity, the feeling of being out of place, stupidity and foolishness, being played, just a string of mixed emotions that rage within. It still hurts me every once in a while when I reminisce the past. I mean who likes being mistreated or taken for granted or unappreciated? I understood that I shouldn’t expect anything in return, and yes I was a bit fussy(FUH-SEE) to receive even just a little appreciation. It’s such a broad word though. It could vary from a simple thank you to a more moderate effort to “make a change”. Some say I’m a bit demanding, but I guess they couldn’t fathom my fair intention. Oh by the way, money doesn’t buy everything either so don’t offer that to me. Cause unlike everyone else, money isn’t everything to me. I guess I have an eye for true value that others cannot see. No matter how bad you want something or even someone, you can only go so far to get it till you realize if it was really meant to be then you wouldn’t have to work so hard.

But anyways, enough with the negativity. Life can only bring me down so much to the point where I can’t go down any further and the only way out is to get back up. So here I am standing up again. Life is too short, so all there is to be is happy (for the most part). I found the real me again sorta..slowly picking up the broken pieces but beginning to feel whole again. Optimistic, determined, persistent, lenient, compassionate, giving, loving and caring, I’m still the same person basically. I just know better now to choose wisely. I need to learn how to BALANCE (keyword) my life.

Everything is a choice that resembles a “cause and effect” outcome. It’s important that we first look at the situation from different perspectives not just our own, especially how it’s going to affect others. Also if it’s even worth the effort in trying to make it happen. PRIORITIZE. If you think before you act, there’d be less mistakes, failures, and regrets committed. Like I said though, nobody’s perfect so the best approach is to learn from it and seize the experience. Everyday we gain knowledge. Everything happens for a reason. Pursue profound potential and true happiness. Never settle! Appreciate who you have and what you have in your life now and don’t take for granted a single moment in time. You never know its value till it’s gone…

PS Did I mention I’m forgiving? Well I forgive those who have trespassed against me and I hope you can forgive me for my wrong doing and false actions toward you as well. It’s quite a misunderstanding that we can never relate to till we realize its in-depth meaning. Only then will we truly comprehend our intentions. Visualize ”The BIG picture”, make it clear. An image is worth a million words. Last but not least, I do want to thank you all for being a part of my life and giving me this chance to become a better person. You’ve made a great impact in my life. I wish you all the best! Much love and peace.

since I’ve b l o g g e d.

I’m EXHAUSTED..

yet I’m still awake.

I have tons of homework to do and I’ve gotten a notice about my FAFSA for my financial aid.

Thank God taxes are over and done with for the year. I just need to fill up the form for my tuition assistance, but I don’t have much time in my hands lately.

Work right after school plus all the assignments and tests have been a handful.

Of course not something I can’t handle, but I’m losing rest and relaxation time.

Tough job but I definitely love it! (Although it has been a pain on my back and shoulder. Don’t forget the miles I put on my feet from walking back and forth.)

I’m about to finish my second week of job shadowing. So far so good and I have an excellent trainer. Don’t forget about my wonderful residents that I take care of.

So far I’m following through with my career plans. Yay for success! :)

It’s not the money but loving what you do that counts. That’s the true value of a well-suited job. (ME)

APRIL GOALS:

pay for cell phone, student loan, and car insurance

get car fixed (brakes, engine, & alignment)

buy groceries

wash car

clean room/do other chores

Half way through the month. Let’s see how I come about with these goals.

Goodnight and God bless!

The coworkers were intimidating.

The residents were challenging.

The trainer was inspiring.

Enough said about that though, but I think I’ll get the hang of it sooner or later.

I even wanted to stay longer. (just for more time to replace that 30 min break deduction haha :P)

I’m definitely looking forward to working in this unit. I’ve heard of many good things and so far it’s as great as people described it to be.

Off I go to get ready for bed, although I still have homework to do since it’s due tomorrow. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll be in bed by 1AM.

“Start early, retire sooner. Save money, Spend later.” haha jk :]

Exciting yet nervewrecking.

Wearing my new ghetto scrub top from WalMart. haha..

I bought two last night, floral and tinkerbell.

I need to check out that uniform store near Red Apple. I heard there’s a ton of selections.

Enough about the scrubs though, but hey, it still counts for first impression.

Other than appearance, I’m physically and mentally ready.

I think..

Wish me luck!

Good luck to the others! I miss our class already..

This is it.

The moment I’ve been waiting for.

anxiously..

Yet now I feel as if I don’t want it to end.

Do you know the feeling when you get to know people during the course of training or even any social event, and then when it’s over you wonder, what now?

We shared our stories, we laughed alot, to the point where it seemed as if we’ve known each other for quite a while now, in the course of only one month.

We were all hired by the facility, but of course we have different shifts, schedules, and units. It’s sad that THIS particular group have to go our separate ways after all the good times we spent together.

I might have said this quite a few times already, but in the beginning, I really didn’t think we’d get along. We were all very different, as for first impression of course, though it is said not to judge a book by its cover.

And with that, I was proven wrong. To my surprise they were better than any group of classmates I had in high school and even the ones at my college today.

Whoever thought such unique individuals of different backgrounds would end up with such a powerful connection. This reminds me of “The Breakfast Club”, except no couples but friendship.

I shall not forget about our very wonderful teacher too of course. Though she says she didn’t think teaching was for her, it doesn’t take a certification or license to prove that she fits the position. That’s why I appreciate all the hard work she put in for this class and more. I know we are all thankful for her courage and perseverance.

“Aww..breaks my heart.” (A memorable line of expression from Jonna, our instructor)

I can’t believe I made it through this month.

4 hours of school in the morning

8 hours more till evening

many restless nights

double the homework and tests

double the training and experience

And shall I say..

I did it!

I MADE IT HAPPEN.

For my second mod in school, 4.0 honor roll again. :D

For my month-long training class on top of that, I graduate on Friday!

I just had an interview on Monday for the same facility where the class is taken and I’m still hoping that I get the job. I really like it there and I’ve grown close to the residents already. If not it’s ok, I’m still planning on volunteering there for community service. :)

This tiring, hectic month was TOTALLY worth the effort.

At least now I have 4 days off from school so I can rest well and sleep in!

I’m planning on getting ahead with some of the assignments for next mod though. Just so I won’t be overwhelmed once I start working.

Oh and it’s also Holy week so I even followed through with my sacrifice of online social networks.

It’s the best feeling when you succeed and achieve your goals. I feel very accomplished to know that I’ve made my love ones proud especially my mom.

I thank Him for the perseverance that He has given me.

Word of the day: AMBITION

(yet I found some time to update while I take a little break)

It was my first official day today to give care to the elders at the nursing home as a Nursing Assistant. I think I did pretty good, just need to get use to it. It’s true, it’s a tough job but totally worth the experience and training especially if you’re trying to set foot in the medical field (well at least in my opinion). Some of the workers there were “downing” my Medical Assisting course and said being an NA is better, which of course I silently disagreed on, because to me they’re both important and interact with each other. Both play a unique role in the medical field.

So anyways, here’s how my day went..

I went to school just on time to finish a brochure project with my partner in the computer lab. We had three shots to give and get in the medical lab after lunch (which I didn’t have anything to eat except a little snack). I also finished this one assignment before I had to go to my other class. I stopped by at home to change into my other uniform and grab another snack to eat on the way there.

I was pretty late..but just on time for discussion before the “real deal”.

We were all assigned a resident but I thought I’d check with all the residents I’ve met and grown close to already. I spent most of my time shuffling around to check on them and give them the proper care they needed. I actually did a “full” care for one lady that wasn’t assigned to me. I think I got in trouble for that one though, for not asking for help, but it was more of a “you did that all by yourself?!” (shocked instructor) as if worried I might have caused a fall for the resident. I know I’m pretty tiny and she was pretty big, but I would never let a resident fall. That’s what I kept saying in my head the whole time. DON’T LET HER FALL

That was pretty much it today. Basically just cared for our assigned residents and helped other fellow trainees with theirs. It was interesting and quite exciting actually. A bit odd and awkward but something I can definitely get use to. :]

I got home around 10’ish so it’s pretty late and I’m washing my uniform and eating right now (finally!). Afterwards I’m gonna take a quick shower before I start doing my homework. I have to study for a test tomorrow too so I might be up for a while.

Well goodnight!

Strugglin to fight my weakness overnight.

Tryna get some rest as I turn off the light.

But this shit’s so hectic it’s eating me inside.

Tryna make it through but I can’t make it subside.

Despite of all the stress,

I hope that I am blessed,

relieved of all this pain in my chest.

I feel so restless..

I can’t give up now, I gotta be strong.

Gotta keep on pushin, movin along.

I have to keep going.

No matter what pressure is upon me.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

I used to reminisce about the past, desperate to go back to change things.

high school

my grades

my attendance

EVERYTHING

Every mistake and failure would haunt me in regret.

What bothers me the most is that I didn’t try my best in school.

I settled for enough. Just enough to graduate.

I mean I took all the honors and advanced placement classes that I could and I did pass, but I still feel unsatisfied.

As much as I’m not content with my grades in high school, I made a promise that from now on I’m going to do my very best to make up for all those years, especially to make my mom proud.

Here I am now, in college, filling my mind with education and my body with training, preparing for the medical field.

Thankfully, I’ve been keeping my word on that. My grades so far are outstanding and I will continue to strive for my highest potential academically.

Unfortunately, my attendance is still haunting me.

In high school, due to slacking off, I just had very poor attendance. But even that I made a promise to improve.

I made a little progress my first mod with only 3 tardies and no absences. But then by second mod I started another training class following after. Now I find myself constantly late and I’ve had 2 absences due to being sick and restless.

I remember my mom’s tremendous outburst that just tore my heart into pieces when I confessed my first absence. It was the day she was leaving for another deployment when she texted me that night during my evening class. I didn’t go to school that morning since I’ve been feeling sick lately. She told me to call her and so I did in the restroom where her aggravating anger have pierced tears out my eyes. Her distrust and disbelief whaled upon me as if she doesn’t feel that I’ve matured since and that I know better this time.

So much for support and confidence..just what I needed most with all the pressure weighing down on me lately..

Others would think she overreacted. But no, not her. I don’t blame her. College is not like high school. As a single mother supporting the family, knowing that my education costs money this time, she just wanted to assure that I’m not going to slack off again and waste her money. I understand her and that’s why I felt so terrible. What kind of daughter am I when I’m suppose to be supportive and helpful in her situation? I have to be strong for her..

It was that night I promised not to be absent anymore, even if I’m too ill or too weak.

I guess I’m sharing this because I was absent again today and I can’t help but feel guilty that I broke that promise. I can’t believe I let it happen again. I can’t do this..Maybe it’s just this mod? Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with the long hours of school and great amount of assignments to come home to.

It hit me hard the first time but it knocked me down the next. I seriously NEED to change that. This is my prior goal starting right now. Who knows, maybe it really is just this mod with double schooling; but what about when my training ends and start working? It’d still be quite the same, time-consuming without the extra homework.

They say it wouldn’t matter if you had good grades if you had poor attendance on the other hand. People would rather take the ones they can rely on so I have to make improvements with my attendance. That’s what worries me the most. I don’t want that part of my record to affect my future career, but inevitably I know it will..sometimes I think about how the teachers and whomever it may concern would judge people for their attendance in which I don’t blame them because they put that upon themselves, but wouldn’t you think others may have a reasonable excuse behind it?

I don’t want to let the people down who are counting on me to be in school. My family, my love ones, my teacher, my classmates, especially my mom..

It’s selfish of me to even try to make up excuses for being late or absent, because there are those who would kill to be able to go to college, to take my place, to take this opportunity. I’m lucky enough to have this chance to fulfill my dreams. I’m not only doing this for my own benefit, but for everyone who are counting on me. I don’t want to disappoint them. I need to prove them that I’m not the same as before. Not anymore..

And I guess maybe if I finally overcome this problem, maybe I can fully let go of the past so it won’t haunt me anymore, so I won’t feel remorseful anymore, so I can prove myself too.

Change is constant by progress and improvement. We shall always strive for our greatest potential in reaching for success.

After all the arguments and close break ups we’ve had with this issue, you still found a way to get us back in this situation.

I thought you’re tired of redundancy? Yet we get back to this point constantly.

This break up I made, is it really for good this time?

Only your choices are going to determine that and maybe even lead us back to me and you.

Maybe you just need some time to get yourself situated and realize how your actions affect others. Just like how this one seriously affected our relationship. I surely hope that it was worth it.

Don’t get me wrong you’re not all bullshit. It’s just the choices you make that are stupid.

I know it’s hard to make decisions sometimes, but how difficult is it to know not to choose the one where you hurt the person you “love and care about”? Especially for some stupid bullshit like that.

Don’t even say that I don’t understand, cause you know I do more than anything. I always do.

I don’t even blame you for what you did even though you did hurt me, cause the last break up we had was over this shit. Yet I gave you another chance and I forgave you when you promised it wouldn’t happen again.

Yet here we go again..

What bothers me the most is that you really disappoint me with the fact that you would lie and break a promise that was already settled before when we were at another break up point.

I understand the challenge of keeping promises sometimes. But for that one, there is no excuse for breaking it. You remember that night..

Especially lying. What ever happened to honesty?

You know I always forgive you and I know for this one I will eventually again. It just seems that you’re taking advantage of the fact that I always do.

But this time I don’t think our relationship will work unless you do something about it but that’s your decision.

Just choose WISELY. Whatever you think is best for you, just do what you want.

I’m not going to spend my time repeating what I’ve told you many times before. You should know better already..so I’ll leave it up to you this time since it is your fault. Let’s see how you take action.

I mean come on..what kind of person would lie and break a promise and hurt the person who only loved and cared for you the most and was always there for you no matter what?

Now that’s disappointing..

I understood you, supported you, comforted you..everything that you needed, I was the one there to provide it.

So far you’re not really doing a great job showing that you meant your apology and your very touching statement that you gave me last night after what happened.

Yet there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to fall for it anymore because I feel like it’s just going to happen again..

I’m done getting hurt. Don’t you feel sorry for putting me through all this pain over and over again?

So why do you?

Yet you find it as the best way to just let it go rather than to put effort into our relationship and work hard on trying not to cause these heartbreaks anymore.

You’d think that if it was worth it and if you really wanted it to work out, it wouldn’t be easy but it wouldn’t matter as long as you do your best to make it happen.

But whatever..I’m sick of being the one who brings us back together. Regardless of the fact of whose fault it is whatsoever.

This one is yours. It’s your turn to prove yourself and do your part in this relationship.